The Bridge That Breaks The Cycle

Hurt people hurt people. Those of us who grew up in abusive homes know how these patterns can be passed down from one generation to the next. The father who drinks and becomes violent may himself be a victim of some form of abuse. I wonder sometimes if the chain goes all the way back to Adam. Regardless, it is true that the abused can easily become abusers, and round and round it goes until someone, somewhere, stands up and says, “Stop.”

This is not as easy as it sounds. To end generational cycles of torment within a family, someone will need to become the bridge. A bridge spans a gap that could not be crossed before. A bridge gets walked over. No one pays much attention to the bridge as they cross it; their focus is on getting from one place to the other. And that is okay.

Those of us who choose to put a stop to an abusive cycle are not doing it so that other people will notice or be thankful. We do it for future generations—for those who may not even be born yet, who will never have to live through what we experienced.

To stop the cycle, you may have to lay down your life so that your children can live differently. Often, this means simply faking it until you make it. It is not fun, and it is not pretty, but the result is that your life counts for more than you may ever know. Laying down your life can mean refusing to react to situations that trigger you, choosing not to enter into conflicts that set off volatile emotions, and learning to respond differently even when everything inside you wants to react as you once did.

Not giving in to your own feelings can be a quick, imperfect fix, but sometimes it is necessary. Yes, you want to heal so that the need to respond in those ways is no longer there. But sometimes you are not healed yet, and still, for the sake of others, you must refuse to let past trauma control how you respond to the difficulties of daily life.

Eventually, the pain can be transformed into something higher, even if that time is not now. If you have children, there is no easy choice. You must break the cycle. You carry the pain so that no one else has to.